Thursday, September 27, 2012

Memory Keeper. I volunteered.

This layout, done for another of the challenges @SNC, the BookOfMe bySharon - it was a difficult one.
I literally had this sitting on my desk for two days.  Not because I was necessarily stuck on design or anything fun like that, no.   Papers? Nope, they pretty much picked themselves.    The journaling - that had me at a standstill.   Strange, right??  Being that I'm the one that gives the journaling challenge @SNC, I would normally be ALL OVER the journaling.  And usually I am.   This time, not so much.  Here is the "Dear Gram,"
My picture is sucky not so good - so I will be so kind as to transcribe my writing for viewing: 

Dear Gram, 
I am so very glad and thankful that we have had you in our lives as long as we have.  My kids lives are better for having gotten to know you.  You may not always know me, but I know somewhere, where your memories are being kept - I am there. I think of you often - particularly when crafting - one of the things you brought to everyone.  Along with the ability to organize a party for any one at any time. Your friendly personality could keep anyone at ease.  I have learned much from you and even though you may not always remember - I have the memories for you and I'll share them with you any time.      

ARE YOU STILL THERE??   and this would be the reason that I put it off...and put it off...I kind of knew what I wanted to write.  I just didn't really want to write it.   Writing it makes it more REAL?  More permanent?   I don't know.  Maybe I was just hiding from the feelings.  Because I know for sure that I had them, while thinking about what I was going to write, definitely while writing, and even while transcribing the same words for all to see.   I cried more about this layout than I have in a while. I had to toss myself in the shower when I was done because I felt a watery mess already.  My grandmother, always free with ideas (crafting or otherwise) has dementia.  The last time I saw her (the day of this picture), she knew my kids.  She even knew their names.   Mine?  Not so much. I know that she knew me, but she didn't give a name to me, and I didn't press to give her one.  Who am I to upset her when she's having enough of an issue with life every day?  Doesn't seem right to make it just ONE MORE THING that she can't remember even though she knows that she should.  I would not be the cause of that frustration. 
But you know what, my friends?  This needed to be done, even with as vehemently as I tried to avoid completing it.  Scrapping is, afterall, a form of therapy for me.   I am supposed to be able to string together thoughts/feelings/emotions and get a person to SEE and FEEL with me.   Tell me, did you feel something?  I know I did.

and yep, crying again.


  1. OMG> Now I'm a hot weepy mess. That is sooo true and have lived the same. I love your journaling and the page so needed to be done. Hugs and prayers my friend.

  2. Such a beautiful page April ... I know those feelings well having watched my mother go down the road of Alzheimers, and knowing that though she could no longer speak in the end, and the fact that she couldn't verbalize our names, there was some recognition. She perked up every time I walked in to her room and said "hi mama". Savor all the moments ... and record them now, it's a good thing.

    1. I remember you talking of this sometimes. We roll with what we have. She remembers me on the phone more often than not, and yep I have to repeat myself lots and lots. But I don't get frustrated about that. I figure there will be a time that I miss having to tell her the same things over and over, so I repeat them (and have instructed the kids to do so as well) AS MANY times as she asks.